Saturday Night Live Christmas over the years

I started thinking about my favorite moments from this yearly rehash (and the few I want to see burn up in a literal dumpster fire). Then I reached the inevitable conclusion of “oh crap I guess I gotta do a blog post on it”

So here I am writing said post.
It’s become a staple the last several years (probably been over a decade by this point, lol) that all of us gather around the tv to watch. The best part is that they have sketches going as far back as season one while sprinkling in more recent highlights.

This year had 2 new ones I hadn’t seen before but made all of us laugh.

The first was a tv infomercial for ABBA Christmas which saw the return of Kate McKinnon and BFFs Kristin Wiig and Maya Rudolph. (I assume the one guy is a newer cast member because I didn’t recognize him).
But all the snippets of performances were either ABBA songs rehashed as Christmas songs or new Christmas songs that had the musical trademarks of their music. I don’t know if the whole gag was for them to be unintelligible because they’re from Sweden but it still kinda bugged me I couldn’t understand a word. The funniest part of course was them singing super close to each other and seeing who breaks first. Kate McKinnon is just crazy good enough to be able to stay in character but even she has a moment where she cracks.
Best comment was the MC explaining the contents of the CD, which ends with “Christmas covers of all 86 of their songs”. Something like that but even as huge Mamma Mia fans, we laughed so hard.

The other new one was a white elephant party where Austin Butler (fresh off his “Elvis” promo tour) played a disgruntled guest because his beloved catch-all ashtray got stolen by another guest.
In the end he gets what he wants when he happens to open another one but in black.
Never seen someone so happy to get an ashtray in their lives, haha

Most of the same sketches return every year and we all have our favorites.
However, I do have one in particular I NEVER want to see again. In recent years, it’s just been in the first hour and I happen to be watching something else at the time. Previous to that, I find an excuse to just leave the room for 2 minutes.
I’m talking, of course, about the Will Ferrell vomit sketch. Where they’re playing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year”, he’s on a spinning platform and he gets motion sick everywhere.
In general I’m not a huge Will Ferrell fan in general. Ron Burgundy (first movie only) is great but he mostly plays an overgrown man child. “Elf” has one or two good lines but I cannot stand that movie because of him.
I’m not a fan of toilet humor in general but vomit is NEVER going to be funny. Especially for someone like me who had sensitive stomach problems as a kid that participated some unspeakably embarrassing moments. Just find the master tapes and the negatives and burn them…

Another sketch I’ve seen a little less in recent years but would get rid of one or two parts of.
The Michael Buble Christmas duets infomercial. Some of the impressions like Taran Killen as Scotty McCreery are really good and lady Gaga just being a glammed up Christmas tree with googly eyes is well played.
But Kristin Wiig being Taylor Swift- not cool! Her whole bit was doing her surprised face and not singing a single note. It’s a good impression, but omg, stop making her look like a complete airhead and sing!
Jimmy Fallon’s Justin Bieber impression is no better. No singing at all but I have to admit his goofy face and dance moves were pretty funny. And this is me speaking as someone who didn’t like Justin at all until he outgrew that heartthrob phase- his music got a lot more enjoyable after that although I still wouldn’t consider myself a huge fan.

Another quick pet peeve before moving on to the good stuff.
The shortened segments leading to commercial breaks. I’m going to YouTube just so I can see the entirety of the Mr Robinson’s neighborhood sketch. What happens besides the eviction notice?! You’d think they’d someday treat us to the full sketch.

...after seeing the whole thing, I can kinda see why they might not show the whole thing. He talks about breaking into people's houses and taking stuff (opposed to Santa who gives stuff). Plus two schemes that are kinda troubling but also entertaining. One is pretending to collect for the Salvation Army (complete with bucket and bell) when he's really giving money to himself. But the best part has to be him selling knock-off Cabbage Patch Dolls to stupid children- where he beheads a doll and gives it a head of lettuce. This was probably done in the midst of the mania of that fad so it was probably cathartic for a lot of people.

I’d love for them to bring back the “it’s a wonderful life” sketch where Dana Carvey is a perfect Jimmy Stewart, uncle Billy remembers Mr Potter has the money and the whole town gives him his much needed comeuppance after they find out he’s not even a cripple.
The one thing that movie was missing… and also George Bailey finally getting to travel outside Bedford Falls.
But instead we’re stuck with the pointless “leave me alone, please go away!” riff on Carol of the Bells… saw the rest of the sketch on YouTube. Not missing too much. But it ends with a number for 1-800-Get-Help... I know they're dysfunctional, but dang!


The following are sketches the season would be incomplete without:


Candice Bergen's consumer probe


What’s Christmas without Johnny switchblade or, my personal favorite, bag of glass?


D*ck in the box


This came out when I was in college and so many people loved it.
It took me a little extra time to warm up to the idea but it is pretty fun. The one part I always remember is the steps. And what was with that stupid flower he was rubbing all over her face?

(I’m not a fan of Justin Timberlake by any means but he’s always great on SNL holidays. Particularly when he’s dressed as a cup of soup, does a little dance and ends with “give it all to Homelessville!”)


The Hanukkah Song

If you’re sensing a pattern here, it’s not your imagination.
I’m not a huge Adam Sandler fan either (see Will Ferrell man-child comment) but this is a really fun staple where you pick out new things every year or you’ve memorized more of it despite only seeing it once a year.
It’s at the point where my sister and I will anticipate and shout our favorite lines.
Best line is spinning the dreidel with Captain Kirk and Mr Spock (BOTH JEWISH!!)
Followed by “OJ Simpson… not a Jew” and “so many Jews in show biz. Tom Cruise isn’t but I think his agent is.”
The best part is that he almost goes off the rails laughing multiple times yet he keeps it together to the very end.

Heck, the Californians Thanksgiving sketch is the stupidest thing ever but it’s funny because they break character constantly and still manage to get through it.
(My favorite thanksgiving sketch is with Anne Hathaway working at a soup kitchen and slowly losing her sanity because Kristin Wiig kept one upping her on everything… which shows off Kristin’s amazing improv skills because she built up everything Anne said in the same order she said- it kinda blew my mind)


Sweddy Balls on NPR radio


Nothing will make me out to be a bigger hypocrite than my feelings on Alec Baldwin.

I’ve wanted him to be cancelled for ages because of his terrible Donald Trump impression… this is a whole rant but I’ll spare the extraneous details.
But the fact, accident or not, he literally killed someone on the “Rust” set and got away with it because the prosecution didn’t follow procedure… that’s straight up reprehensible and he should be held accountable for the rest of his life.

All that being said… I may not like the guy (or any of his movies except maybe rock of ages) but I don’t want them to stop airing this sketch.

Again, I’m a massive hypocrite but in this day and age, who isn’t?

I made comments about not liking toilet humor but when it comes to playful cheeky innuendos, bring them on!
The whole joke is that this is meant to be radio so you don’t see what’s actually going on but it’s still funny at face value. Molly Shannon and Ana Gasteyer are perfect together and we find new favorite lines to say with them every year.
Funnels are great for funneling and Molly Shannon lowkey has an excessive rat problem.
This year we counted- they said “balls” 24 times, lol

Not sure if it was inspired by this or it’s just a reflection of our love of cocktails in this house but one recipe we like to make every year is fudgy chocolate bourbon balls. No baking required so they are boozy and have a small serving size compared to most of our other holiday desserts.

Another Alec Baldwin sketch that’s gotten traction in recent years is him being an elf from the home office. The worker elves are complaining about weak tools and wanting more pay and stuff. He’s very strict about keeping them as they are and threatens to fire them if they don’t stop complaining. But it’s a fun sketch for two reasons.

1- he reads an acronym off Always Be Cobbling but completely misreads cobbling as Cable multiple times before correcting himself… the smile he cracks after the fact is hilarious, not to mention the fact he’d torn into them about cobbling a number of times before the this

And 2- he ends his tirade with “you’re all getting bonuses, it’s still Christmas” and everyone rejoices!


I wish it was Christmas today

This is one I look forward to every year but this year it felt extra special.

We’ve been listening to Jimmy Fallon’s Christmas channel on Sirius all month and it’s been a blast. Best part is the variety- it’s rare you hear the same song (or artist) more than once in the same hour. A huge plus this time of year when some songs are done to death.
But we not only learned about coquitos from him (they are GOOD- definitely recommend- basically a Puerto Rican riff on egg nog) but he gave us the backstory of this particular sketch.

This song arose from a late night spontaneous jam session and the next day the dude who plays the guitar came up with lyrics. Jimmy called it one of the dumbest sketches he’s been a part of but a band called The Strokes did a full version that’s played on the channel a couple times.

The sketch itself- yeah it’s kinda lame. Only the guitar guy is doing any real work. Jimmy will sing some backing vocals but he spends most of his time messing with the keyboard. It’s actually providing the drumbeat but it looks like he’s either pressing random buttons or wiping fake snow off it.
But it’s better than Chris Kattan holding the keyboard and just shaking his head back and forth (how does that not make him dizzy?) or Tracy Morgan just jogging in place.
But it still has some charm to it and I enjoy it anyway. The one little part where Jimmy Fallon repeats “I wish it was Christmas today” and he and guitar guy bop back and forth— that lives rent free in my head all year and I unconsciously do it when I hear certain songs. Although not as frequently as I imagine Molly Ringwald (Ala the breakfast club) dancing to some of my favorite songs— one day I’ll compile a list cuz there’s a bunch of them.

Honorable Mentions (I had no other place to talk about)

They only played it a few times but there’s one memorable sketch with Kate McKinnon.
There’s a homely couple being interviewed along with her about their Christmas Eve. They had fun with Santa, got to go to the North Pole and have cocoa and cookies. Kate is a red neck stereotype talking about Santa’s helper Krinklemaus and her bizarre night. She gets taken to the reindeer shed and gets roped into deworming the reindeer with Shart, the deranged Gollum-like elf who works there. All the while, she lost her pants in transit so she alludes to the fact numerous times that she's rocking no pants.

She’s so unbelievably weird and unhinged at her best, so this is right in her wheelhouse.

They didn't show it this year, but I remember a YouTube video in the other room of someone playing Jennifer Coolidge and her talking about Christmas stuff. The actual video, once I finally saw it, wasn't quite as funny as just hearing the audio.
Best part is someone playing Jingle Bells.
She says "that's really good, did you write that?" 
He pauses "did I write Jingle Bells?... no..."
"Then who?"
"I don't know, some guy"

That freaking killed me :P 

One final one that doesn't get played as much anymore. Molly Shannon is in character as Mary Catherine Gallagher and Whitney Houston has a cameo as a classmate. Both are singing "Sleigh Ride," trying to one up each other and it ends with Molly Shannon falling over in spectucular style.

Of course the grand finale always involved a musical guest. For years it was Bruce Springsteen and in recent years, Paul McCartney got the final spot.
It’s on the back of a sketch where he’s in a duo with an overbearing Martin Short… not a fan of that part but the performance on the SNL stage is great.
I get the feeling those will become extra special when these legends are no longer with us and we’re left to reminisce about the one time “he was a big star but not so big he didn’t mind taking the time to play on SNL.” Both look like they had the best time up there and we all feel the same watching them.

HELL'S KITCHEN- the starting point of Gordon Ramsay's TV empire

Now for the big enchilada- the one that started it all- Hell’s Kitchen

speaking from personal experience...

I’ve been fortunate enough to have gone to two Gordon Ramsay restaurants in my life, both in Atlantic City.
The pub we did for lunch in 2016 (it was January, before any of the bad stuff associated with that year happened) and we got to meet season 13 winner La Tasha She spent maybe 90 seconds with us and she was really nice. Not sure if she’s still there but she and Meghan, the winner from season 14 worked there on different shifts.
I had my first lobster roll and crispy skin salmon there and both were amazing. 

Then the previous year we went to the new Hell’s Kitchen for my birthday. Aside from the tvs flashing all kinds of scenes from the series and the dimmer lighting, it was exactly like being on the show. It was Alex’s weekend off so we didn’t meet him but from what we gathered from the staff we talked to, he sounds like a great boss and he’s settling in really well.

The only real negative of the experience- shaved truffle. An add-on our server pushed but kinda forgot to mention was $30 extra. We found this out when we got the check, which would’ve been pricey regardless, but a heads up would’ve been appreciated. Between the 4 of us, I think all of us had ordered truffles with one of our dishes so that's an extra $100 we didn't plan for.

That aside, the rest of the experience was overwhelmingly positive.
It was my birthday and they made me feel like a rock star in a classy understated way. Up to being handed a peanut butter cheesecake with one candle in it from the guy who got us our drinks.
My mom ordered their signature smoky Manhattan and it was a really cool presentation. It was inside an olde English lantern lantern and smoke billowed out as soon as you opened it. I think I ordered a blueberry cocktail with the Queen's name in the title- enjoyed that as well.

All the food was excellent. Kitchen was a tight ship as expected and they did not disappoint.
Lobster risotto (plus truffles), really good. And more crispy skin salmon although that charred broccoli on the side- one of Alex’s signatures from the menu- omg, SO good! Almost stole the spotlight.

Of course nothing beats the view from the stairs on the way out where you can see all of the kitchen action below.
Seeing all of this on tv is one thing but actually being there to see it with your own eyes (and smelling and tasting it)… it’s something else and something I’ll never forget.

Par for the [main] course

For the show itself, it’s stayed mostly the same over the years. Occasionally they’ll change up the theme to keep it interesting. This year they’re doing head chefs only. They’ve done at least one all star season and the previous season was about the American dream (the eventual winner was originally from Cork, Ireland).

Every season pretty much begins and ends the same way. We have the signature dish challenge that sets the tone- although I couldn’t tell you how many people who dazzled this early wound up actually winning in the end. There’s a red and blue team with women vs men. Eventually the two brigades are narrowed down to one- the highly coveted black jackets.
Then we have the final two who make up their own menu, choose their brigades from previous contestants, run their kitchen for a service and whoever’s door opens off Gordon’s office is declared the winner.

With everything in between, the mileage varies.

There’s challenges- some are mainstays that happen more frequently but mostly they’re different games that ultimately determine the ingredients certain people cook with. This concludes with rewards for the winners and punishments for the losers.
There’s dinner service where anything can and will go wrong, people get yelled at and whole teams get thrown out when Gordon loses patience with the mistakes made.
And at the end, two people from the losing team(s) get nominated to defend their place on the show and someone is eliminated.

Some decisions for elimination are easier than others and some are straight up petty- people just don’t like certain people and keep trying to send them home. One time they got creative and put someone up they wanted to get rid of along with someone who’d been so consistent that there’s no way Gordon would chose them to go home. (I’m pretty sure this gamble worked but I’m not positive).

One person infamously marched up to Gordon to give him a piece of his mind and security swarmed in to keep things civil. Joe did not return, needless to say.

This isn’t full proof but when you’re up for elimination, you have a good chance of surviving if you fight for your place. Gordon appreciates people who do that. What he doesn’t appreciate is people who tell him they volunteered to put themselves up. I’ve seen this play out multiple times on another reality series— would-be bosses don’t want to hear that their would-be employees are quitters. It eliminates whatever confidence they have in you and that essentially eliminates you from consideration.
There’s a fine line between accepting responsibility and throwing yourself down on your own sword.

Some of the regular challenges include:

The infamous blind taste test

• it’s a lot harder than it looks and it’s incredibly rare for anyone to correctly identify all 4 of their ingredients
• I’ve heard rumors that the kitchen is made to smell like bacon so it completely throws off people’s sense of smell but I can’t find anything to confirm this
• I DID find that the headphones they wear actually play music so that adds difficulty. Plus everything is cut into smaller pieces, unseasoned or otherwise altered from the way you’d typically come across it
• It’s rare but there have been a couple people over the years to get 4/4 correct. One of them won the entire competition in the end
• One thing a lot of fans have noticed over the years… so many of these contestants smoke. There was actually one year Gordon said to them the day prior to stop smoking for a while because it ruins their taste buds and this challenge was around the corner.

Seriously, why do so many people on this show smoke? I do not understand this… but I also never understood the concept of smoking at all. There's no incentive to start, no benefit and you have to fight like hell to quit...

Taste it then make it

• sometimes when this comes up, Gordon will make a dish at random and offer it to everyone to taste… waiting until afterwards to mention “oh by the way you have to recreate it”. But in later years, the chefs are usually mindful enough to know this is coming up
• There’s usually 4 categories. The protein, the vegetable, the starch and the sauce and whoever is the closest wins the challenge
• I haven't seen this in years... not sure if they've retired this or not but it was an interesting challenge nonetheless

As far as dinner service goes, every station has its difficulties and it’s hard to be sure which is the hardest. Sometimes fish will drive the ticket and sometimes it’s garnish. But it’s always crucial to taste everything. Meat is always cooked medium rare. (The same goes for Masterchef- the ideal cook for steak is always medium rare, which I never fully understood because I prefer a less bloody medium cook on mine).
Appetizers are commonly risotto and scallops with the occasional pizza/flatbread.

We’ve made risotto at home once… it’s EXTREMELY labor intensive. I’m pretty sure they parboil the Arborio rice ahead of time so they can turn out portions faster but it’s insane. You definitely build up arm muscle with all that stirring. If we ever do it again, it's gotta be for a larger gathering so more people are available to take turns stirring.
Time and again, risotto gets rejected at the pass either due to lack of seasoning or not enough of the liquid is reduced.

Salmon and halibut can be difficult, come entree time, and hurt you if you bring up raw fish. But it’s probably much worse to have seafood for a risotto and you’re the reason the risotto is held back.
As for scallops, they’re pan-fried and it takes a total of 90 seconds.

This doesn’t happen as frequently anymore but there’ll be instances where Gordon gets so mad at someone that they’re thrown out of the kitchen. Once, the chef in question was ready to leave the premises and the matri’d Jean-Philippe talked to them, saying “don’t go, he’s testing you and wants you to fight back.”

It might sound crazy but there is a method to all this madness. All of the cursing and yelling you see on the show- yeah, it’s over the top and more insane than the average person is equipped to handle but it’s hard to argue with the results.

How to run (and not run) a kitchen

The biggest thing that sinks dinner services isn’t proteins and risottos being cooked incorrectly. It’s lack of communication. Sometimes there will be entire challenges dedicated to this, whether chefs have recipes written on their backs and other people have to read it to them or there’s a tag team challenge. Where chefs are taken out one at a time and their teammates have to instruct them what’s left to be done and what the next step is for their dishes.

A well run kitchen is always the one that’s the loudest. People calling out “how long” and replying that they need however many minutes they need to finish. All of the pans and ovens are usually screaming hot so it’s rare to hear a time longer than 7 minutes. And with things like scallops, those are usually fired when there’s 2 minutes left before the rest of the ticket comes up. How all this works, I never figured out. Are they all wearing watches? Is there a clock on the wall? All of them have a concept of how long certain things take to cook but from the perspective of a viewer, how these times work just looks random and they somehow know how much longer.

One thing that’s pretty much guaranteed is that everyone will struggle in this place. Experience means nothing. This recent season, the head chefs had a really rough start despite their pedigrees. Even having black jackets isn’t enough sometimes.

Because this is a high profile chef, celebrities make regular appearances although some of them are shameless self promotion for Fox. Sometimes they’re at chefs’ tables but in recent years, they’ve become part of one of the more pivotal dinner service challenges.

Charity Night- where there’s two tables of 12 or so with a notable celebrity founder/contributor at the head. Each chef runs a course and the most important thing is that both kitchens coordinate to serve all of the diners at the same time. Attention to detail is just as important as communication here and the pressure that comes with all that is immense.

After all those hurdles, though, comes probably my favorite of the hurdles and it determines the finalists.

Each of the final 4 chefs take a turn running the pass and doing Gordon Ramsay’s job of calling tickets and expediting orders. It’s fun just seeing who’s able to rise to the occasion and handle all of the curveballs thrown at them.
And there are MANY curveballs, which get more creative each season. They’re always thinking of new and exciting ways to trip people up. Usually the sabotage will come from the sous chef running their old station in their place. A classic example is using orzo instead of rice in a risotto or their Wellington is something other than beef. But in recent years, the sabotage is the actual ticket and having the wrong number of plates. Sometimes from Gordon Ramsay himself
If you watch the show for enough years, you have a good idea of what to expect so it’s exciting any time you get something new you wouldn’t have expected otherwise.

Gordon Ramsay over the years

The environment is still a major pressure cooker but Gordon has definitely mellowed out over the years.

It used to be that he’s such a hard ass that the only time you see him being “normal” is on a reward. Some dinner at some place where he spends time with the chefs and they get personal time with him. It’s a good time to make an impression but also to pick his brain and learn from him. Even for people who don’t make it far, I’m sure most can say they came away from it stronger or at least more knowledgeable than when they entered.

He doesn’t call people “donkey” or “fat cow” like he did but he’ll still throw an entire team in the pantry to give them hell if they’re struggling with service. One thing he does regularly and it annoys me as much as “someone is going home, make sure it’s not you” (it’s a pet peeve because he says this almost EVERY week on Masterchef), he’ll complain about a bad service and say “you’ve given up, you don’t care”… it’s probably some reverse psychology thing but it’s frustrating when he says this while the chefs are clearly struggling and working their butts off and the food just isn’t coming out right.

But he’s showing his sympathetic side a lot more in recent years. Sometimes when he sees someone having a hard time, he’ll take them aside and say “talk to me” and they work through what’s going on. This year has been especially hard for whatever reason- a number of chefs have gotten homesick and wanted to quit because of it and he’d talk them down.

Memorable chefs- the best and the worst

I don’t have much more to add as far as contestants go or my favorite winners. Only because it’s been around so long and there’s so many.

One of my favorite winners was Christina who became the sous chef in the red kitchen for several years after. I knew from day one she’d be a front runner. Probably called her winning too but I can’t be sure because most of the time I call winners for anything, I’m wrong. I’ll always remember her winning Hell’s Kitchen the same year Christine Ha won masterchef.

Most of the time on the finale, the also-ran takes it in stride and is really gracious for the experience. I’ve only seen one exception to this and it was season 8 where Russell lost to Nona. He was a front runner for much of the competition and she gained momentum as it went on but he was such a sore loser afterwards I lost whatever respect I had for him. (Re-reading his comments in the Wikipedia article, he said his brigade helped him lose and he'd blackball them to ruin their careers... it's even worse than I remembered, yikes)
Finale dinner services have their difficulties but one of the biggest tests a budding executive chef can face is dealing with a strong personality.

In typical reality show fashion, troublemakers and attitude problems are kept around longer than they should for the sake of drama. And often they play a role in the final dinner service and it's up to the finalist to contain their mistakes or throw them off the team altogether.
It’s par for the course but omg, I hate it so much. Gordon likes arrogance and respects it when there’s skill to back it up but he’s also like Judge Judy in the sense that his voice is the final say and he doesn’t like people talking over him or challenging him when something is sent back at the pass.

Two of my all-time worst contestants who were kept longer than they should’ve- Elise (season 9) and Jason (from the American Dream season prior to this current one).
It’d be interesting to see them as the final 2 of the same season and me trying to decide which I’d rather win, assuming I’m able to choose a conclusion I can live with. (I hate the Cowboys as an Eagles fan but I can cheer them on to beat Tom Brady… which they did on his final season before he finally stayed retired)
But their seasons for me were all about waiting for them to get kicked off the show… and it was a LONG wait in both cases.

Jason was an arrogant jerk who got along with no one (because, apparently, this show isn’t about making friends) and the feeling was mutual. Physical altercations almost broke out a couple times but I was almost begging them to smother him with a pillow while he slept. The most reprehensible thing he did a number of times- he took shortcuts and flouted procedure. Hell’s Kitchen is run a certain way and you don’t effing mess with that! He may have had more experience than most of the contestants but he certainly didn’t have any Michelin stars to back up his “improvements” on a long proven formula. On the other hand, he did show solidarity for the finalists he cooked for in the final service. Putting your own feelings aside to help someone else win is always a good thing.

Elise is easily the worst of the two because she’d been on the show TWICE. And clearly she learned nothing from her previous season because she would not stop shouting at everyone who dared stand up to her.  Just in general, people like her are very hard for me to stomach being around. I can see myself getting the brunt of her fury until I break down and surrender saying “you were right, you win” when I’m clearly in the right… I’ll just surrender just to make the shouting stop.
She also had that reality TV attitude I hate where she refused to take accountability and when she was nominated, it was because "people are intimidated by me" or some arrogant bullshit... ugh!!

The one consolation I got from her being on the all star season (aside from falling short of black jackets)… the winner had been a regular target of her bullying. I don’t understand her whole vendetta against Michelle or why she constantly said in confession that she wasn’t good enough to stay in the competition. But her subdued, almost broken reaction to Michelle being crowned the winner… I could go on and on about how that’s proof karma is an even bigger bitch than she is. But really, I felt bad and it made me hope she learned from the experience just to be a better person.
Michelle is now the new sous chef in the red kitchen so I doubt she’ll want anything more to do with the series for the rest of her life.

I mean, I get it. You can’t go through life or work your way up certain industries being a doormat. I’m sure several of these people had to grow a thicker skin to get to where they are. But if you’re professing arrogance, you better have the skill to back it up. And even if you do have a sizable skill set, if you want people to work for you and respect, you have to give them that in return.
Of course this logic isn’t as airtight as I’d like it to be. There are plenty of arrogant CEOs and politicians out there and they don’t always get there just by playing nice.

This doesn’t happen often but it’s always interesting when there’s crossover between Hell’s Kitchen and Food Network. At least 3 chefs had gone onto Chopped (Dana, Roshni and Sakari) and Roshni went on to become a chopped champion.

In terms of success stories after the show, it’s a mixed bag but more chefs have probably found more success working for Gordon Ramsay than restaurants have benefited from kitchen nightmares… although there’s a much bigger sample size for the latter.

The bigger successes I can attest to are Heather, Christina and Michelle because they became sous chefs on the tv show. Plus Jay (notable for his blue hair and his showmance with Holli until learning she was married) who finished second and became the sous chef of the blue kitchen.

I’ll have to look up Rock’s time after winning but considering he appeared on one of Gordon’s “restaurant saving” shows, they’re still on speaking terms.
According to Wikipedia, he worked at the Gordon Ramsay restaurant for a year before branching out into other opportunities. One gig was being the National Celebrity Chef for March of Dimes. So he seems to be doing well even now. And his appearance was on 24 hours to hell and back for a Virginia restaurant, Halterman's Eatery.

One or two I remember reading that they turned down the job after the fact and have a successful restaurant in their own right. Holli, who won season 7 and was set to work at the Savoy in London- she lost out on the restaurant due to issues getting a work visa. A few others wound up turning down head chef roles after winning for family reasons, which is completely understandable. Just going off this recent season, it’s a rough gig and being away from your support system makes it harder.

 

Gordon Ramsay's TV empire: Masterchef

Opening comments

This show’s been around for a number of years and it’s been a lot of fun. It still is, although I’m not enjoying the team format they’ve been using these past few seasons. It sorta reeks of “we’re running out of ideas” or “we have to keep things fresh or we’ll get cancelled”. Plus, as I’d said previously, if the same team wins all the time, it’s not as fun.

Last season was generations— I realize this is a big thing on social media now, the diff generations criticizing each other constantly. Older generations not being with the times and impeding progress and newer generations being so inexperienced that their opinions are invalid. I’m one generation and most of the family I’m close with is an older one and I feel like I agree with more of their values than the ones my gen gets criticized for. It was another good season but I hated the idea of banking on generational angst… America is already divided enough without having a tv show using it for entertainment value.

Masterchef is a global phenomenon with a different edition in almost every country. There’s also a junior edition with kids ages 8-13 and they’re exceptional!

It’s the antithesis of Hell’s Kitchen where the contestants aren’t professional chefs but home cooks put through a gauntlet of challenges to challenge them at a professional level.

Are some of these challenges crazy and over the top? Yes. It wouldn’t be a Gordon Ramsay show if it wasn’t.


Judges past and present


One key thing that separates this from Hell’s Kitchen- Gordon is no longer the meanest judge on his own show. When previews came out, they made a huge deal about the new mean judge in town- Joe Bastianch. He’s a restauranteur (also a regular judge on the Italian edition of the series) and his mom is Lydia Bastianch, one of the original cooking show hosts going back to Julia Child’s time.

Joe has mellowed out a bit over the years the same way Gordon has but he’s still not someone you want to get the wrong side of. He doesn’t mince words. If he doesn’t like something, he’ll either say a zinging insult or promptly throw the plate in the garbage with a straight face. People who try to BS their way out of things or cut corners, he doesn’t let them get away with it. As terrifying as he can be at times, I like him a lot because you can trust on him to be honest. Although sometimes he’ll play off Gordon to make himself come out on top. Particularly during auditions where Gordon says no to someone and Joe will say yes just to come off as the good guy. But there’s still the caveat where he’ll sometimes say “don’t make me regret this.” Most make good on that promise but not always

There was a short lived CNBC show called Restaurant Startup where Joe and chef Tim Love would listen to pitches for food businesses, chose one to do a trial run with and in the end, they’re decide whether or not to invest (individually or as a joint effort). It was a really interesting show I enjoyed a lot and still miss sometimes.

For the third judge it’s changed over the years. It was Graham Elliott the first several seasons. Later, baker Christina Tosi became a semi regular judge, usually taking Joe’s place while he handled masterchef Italy.

Then when Joe became a regular again, Aaron Sanchez (whom we know from Food Network) took over and he’d been in every season since.

For the junior edition, Daphne Oz (daughter of Dr. Oz but was also on the short lived ABC food show The Chew along with Carla Hall, who has since become a food network judge on most baking competitions and the now disgraced iron chef Mario Batali) was a regular judge. And in general, all the judges are really good with the kids. They’re all prodigies, clearly, but they’re always looked after when the pressure mounts up. My one little issue is that Daphne has done at least two seasons in the middle of her second or third trimester. She’s still a good judge, but I just find it distracting. It almost felt like Family Guy when Bonnie Swanson had this huge belly for six years until she had her baby. One season is fine but when she shows up for multiple seasons with this large belly, it just makes me think she and her husband have the worst timing.

It did, however, lead to one critical teachable moment in a team challenge. It’s not uncommon in these challenges for food to be sent back because it’s raw or underdone. Daphne was unable to judge a plate of food because it had underdone seafood on it. All the more reason it’s vital to teach kids (and all cooks for that matter) the importance of proper cooking techniques.


Formats and challenges
(Also a fair bit of me longing for the good old days)

Masterchef used to run a lot longer than it does now. They used to have auditions, followed by mini challenges to whittle down the top 50 down to the top 20. Things like coring/slicing apples and dicing onions.
(Fun fact- I learned how to dice an onion from this show).

Nowadays, we either cut out auditions and go right to the top 20 or we do auditions over a few weeks and there’s no subsequent stages beyond that.

The weeks would alternate between mystery box challenges and team challenges. They did away with this but in the earlier years, mystery boxes were followed by elimination tests and team challenges were followed by pressure tests. Now, the mystery box and team challenges would take up the entire hour. Man, I miss the old days…

Mystery box- anyone who’s seen Chopped knows about this concept. The only difference is that for a masterchef mystery box, you’re not required to use EVERY ingredient and the ingredients aren’t quite as weird. Unless of course the whole challenge is weird- a mystery box of offal animal parts, for example.

The top 3 are selected and for the elimination test, they have control over what other people get to cook.
Example- deciding which people get canned crab vs a live crab. It’s always interesting to see which people manage to elevate canned goods to the point you can’t tell the difference or they screw up their live product so badly you’d reduced it to inferior canned quality. It’s one of those chances to put extra pressure on a competitor you consider a rival or you just don’t like very much. Sometimes they’re successful but often times the effort backfires and their target overcomes adversity.

Team challenges- always stressful but fun to watch. Usually it’s the one time people get to leave the kitchen and cook for a group of first responders. One time, they cooked for the cast of Glee (it was Cory Monteith’s last tv appearance before he unexpectedly died of an overdose in 2013). This is where things get super heated. Team captains have expectations placed on their shoulders and they don’t always rise to the challenge. If they don’t make sure people are doing their jobs or they don’t pivot when people are falling short, they often end up being the ones to go home. And again, for those who criticize the leadership but do nothing to alleviate the situation, they’re part of the problem.

Then after team challenges comes the “infamous” (their words, not mine) pressure test. The losing team (or select members of it) have to cook a particular dish, often times a dessert and whoever is the least successful goes home.
It’s interesting when only a few team members have to compete and the captain has to choose. Sometimes they’re given the option to save someone and if they decide to save themselves… oh boy… people do not like that very much. You go down with your ship if you sink it. Then at least once they went to commercial break when the captain was asked who they’d save or have compete, we came back to the show and Gordon or Joe said something like “we appreciate your opinion but it’s not up to you” and they decide who participates.
Most of these involve making a difficult dessert like a soufflé. Or, even better, each of the three judges requests a different dessert and they have to make all three in the time allotted.

Then later in the season, the final 6 do a restaurant takeover at one of Gordon’s restaurants. One time I think it was even Joe’s. They’re each shown how to make 2 appetizers and 2 entrees and Gordon dons his chef’s jacket and does his typical Hell’s Kitchen expediting. Usually they rise to the challenge well but there’s always a few hiccups.
And if anyone so much as forgets where they are and does or says something that disrespects the restaurant, Gordon lets them have it. It’s a little over the top, of course. I’ve seen him flip because one of the chefs mishandled a plate and got fingerprints on it. Usually two chefs cook and the third does plating and is the last line of defense for quality control.

What has since taken the place of elimination and pressure tests is a series of challenges that have since become notorious for the series. The person who wins the previous challenge gets to pick the teams or sometimes has immunity so they don’t have to compete at all.

First- the tag team challenge. Only one chef cooks at a time while the other instructs them on what the next step is. It’s very loud and chaotic. Fun to watch but sometimes just as stressful to watch as it would be to participate.
Usually it’s a platter of food. Whether it’s sushi or street food or three parts of a typical Hell’s Kitchen menu (scallops, beef Wellington and toffee pudding).
Tag team, I’m pretty sure, has been a thing since season 5 so it’s been around for a long time.

Slightly more recent but gaining notoriety all the same- The Wall challenge. Where team mates are separated from each other and they have to coordinate in a way so the judges open their cloches and the plates underneath look identical down to the tiniest details.

Then the final hurdle before making the finale these past few seasons- Cook Alongside Gordon Ramsay.
It’s every bit as terrifying as it sounds. Any time you see him do some sort of cooking demonstration on any of his shows- it’s a thrill to watch. It’s a fine mix of skill, finesse and multitasking.
The two biggest lessons you can learn from any Gordon Ramsay cooking show is communication (which is a topic best saved for the Hell’s Kitchen discussion) and multitasking.
Obviously this takes years of practice and memorizing cooking times… but after playing through Pikmin 4, a franchise where the key to success is mastering the Japanese art of Dandori, I have a better understanding of how difficult that can be. Thankfully in video games there’s a reset button but in real life, organizing your tasks in such a manner where you complete them all proficiently in a limited amount of time, it’s hard. And of course Gordon is so experienced he makes it look like an art form. Some contestants have compared it to seeing Picasso (or some other artist) paint.

With the cook along, people keep up well in the beginning but there’s always a slip up somewhere. The rule is that once Gordon finishes, you have 30 seconds to put the final touches on your plate. Very little room for error. Last season, I think I saw the worst performance of this challenge because it went sideways really quickly. It was a fish dish that had a side that was flambéed to burn off wine. All but one accidentally put the alcohol in the pan with the fish and flambéed their fish.

Then the finale has a three course meal and we have a winner. It used to be a two person finale but since season 7 or 8, there are 3 people in the finale.

Why they made that change- I don’t know but I hate it. A proper finale should always be Mano e Mano, one on one.

Thankfully Hell’s Kitchen only has two kitchens so they can’t pull this nonsense there.


Memorable contestants (for better or worse)


One thing that sorta set masterchef apart from Hell’s Kitchen is that the contestants got along better. Typically. There’s still a few contestants over the years that’ve gotten under my skin and made the show almost unwatchable.

Season three had Krissi- a heavy set woman from Philly- was easily my least favorite in the whole series. Every time she was interviewed in the confessional, she was badmouthing other contestants. Bri was one she picked on a lot. Once she did cook from a wholesome perspective (a vegetarian dish about the mushrooms of the forest) and Krissi rolled her eyes and demanded “oh, give me a break!” She also made a passing comment how she used to eat girls like her “for breakfast” and beat them up in high school. Which pretty much shows you all you need to know about her character. Karma almost did a complete 180 when they had a blind taste test to being someone back and Bri came back but she was still eliminated before Krissi.

I’m aware that people from Philly have a reputation and we all laugh about how they burn down the city when their sports teams lose (or win for that matter). But as someone who grew up in a Philly suburb it’s hard not to feel that people like her give the rest of us a bad name. She was also the single mom of a 10 year old- talk about setting a bad example.

One duo that butted heads for weeks and actually wound up becoming friends were Leslie and Ahran. In retrospect, it was almost a preview of the recent “generations” season because they butted heads over this reason, without all the insults you see on social media nowadays when people attack other generations over opinions they don’t agree with.

But Leslie was genuinely sad when Ahran got eliminated in a later episode because they’d come to a mutual understanding. His attitude about being better than everyone else mellowed out through the course of that season and I went from a hater to a fan after he came around. (He finished in 3rd)

There’ve been few other people over the years who just think they’re better than everyone else… even worse when they’re kept on the show, seemingly, for good tv.

Elizabeth, who finished second to Courtney in season 5 (now she’s a girl from Philly I can behind), wasn’t bad on the show although my sister didn’t like something about her attitude. Courtney’s occupation when she was on the show was “aerial dancer”… apparently this was code for stripper because photos of her from a day on the job circulated on Twitter. And apparently Elizabeth and her husband were among the people circulating these photos and perpetuating online bullying. It was really fucked up. And these were the days BEFORE Elon Musk took over.

The prize the winner received for the show was a trophy, a suitcase of money and their own cookbook. I’m not sure if they’re still doing the cookbook but it was a cool thing back then.

I got Courtney’s and have made some things from it. Including a great barbecue sauce and pasta salad. Since we’d been working a bit more with yeast in recent years, I’d like to try her pizza recipe one of these days.

(I'd also made season one winner, Whitney's chicken parm meatball recipe a couple times... each time, they've come out perfect)

In terms of winners, a lot of my favorites over the years have won but not all of them.

My one favorite who didn’t win and I’m not the only fan incensed by this was Derrick. He was even brought back for an all star season and we were all convinced this was all designed to rectify the fact he didn’t win season 6.

I can’t fault the winner because Dara deserved to be the winner in the first season of the junior edition as much as the actual winner. She was incredible.

But poor Derrick- he’s doing well with his various business ventures (all involving food and I think he’s doing a podcast now). But I’ll still stand by him being the rightful winner of season 6.
If it was a popularity contest, I’m pretty sure Derrick would’ve won hands down. But all of us were also convinced that Chris Daughtry was supposed to win American Idol and he didn’t…. I still have no idea how Taylor Hicks won that year.

One sad story that came out years after his season ending was finalist Josh. A tall black guy around my age with a big heart and a lot of talent. In 2013 he killed himself and had apparently struggled with mental illness his whole life.
Mental illness is such a difficult thing but it’s even more difficult in the black community. (The series “a million little things” discussed this in great detail with one of their characters). I’m still processing Twitch’s suicide- easily one of the last people on this planet I’d expect to read that headline about.

The two winners I remember the most were Luca (a man from Italy who missed out on season 3 and was the series’s first male winner in season 4) and Christine.

Joe’s blatant favoritism for Luca as a fellow Italian might be frowned upon nowadays but it made for good tv back then. I forget which dish it was but once Luca made a mistake and Joe took him aside and whispered “what are you’re doing? This is embarrassing.” If I had to guess it had to do with pasta and Italians take that stuff seriously.

That just reminded me of one thing- Joe doesn’t cook typically and I thought maybe he just didn’t because he’s more of a business man. But he did demonstrate how to make egg yolk ravioli one time. Just goes to show any Italian worth their salt should know how to make pasta from scratch.

A couple challenges over the years had been about making pasta. One, if I remember right, was an elimination challenge where certain contestants were kept out of the room so they wouldn’t see the demonstration on how to make it. And it was one of the trickier pasta shapes- yikes!

I’m pretty sure even casual fans of the series know who Christine is because she’d been brought back numerous times to set challenges and be a guest judge.

She’s a remarkable Vietnamese cook who’s blind. And yeah, the show probably did bank heavily on this narrative for the sake of making good TV but if you saw her overcome everything thrown at her, you’d be too impressed to care.

The greatest challenge she overcame was an apple pie pressure test. She was so genuinely nervous because this was the one thing she couldn’t control. She could only go by the timer and smell. I don’t know if she won the challenge but she received some sweet reassurance from the judges that her pie looked cooked when it came out of the oven.

She also has a great sense of humor. One time as a guest judge she did a mystery box and added “open the drawer and you’ll find a blindfold.” Gordon let this go on for a minute before he stopped the clock and essentially said “take off your blindfolds, we’re not that crazy.”

I think he’d tried this trick again after he showed them how to cut up a chicken blindfolded and decided not to subject them to that. Probably best when there’s a risk of not only them cutting themselves but also salmonella.

"Call me Kat" and battered protagonist syndrome

If there’s another name for this, feel free to let me know. It’s just one way I can describe a recent trend in sitcoms that’s been getting under my skin as of late.


A couple years ago, Fox had two new shows- “Call me Kat” and “Welcome to Flatch”. Two off-the-walls comedies with a modest following I thought had been cancelled by last year’s writers strike.
I got curious the other day and did a little research.
I was wrong. They were actually cancelled around this time a year ago, back when it was still weather balloon and train derailment season. Strike season (impacting writers, actor and auto workers) was still a month or so off.


While “Flatch” was very strange yet lovable and oddball, following a similar formula as The Office, I really liked “Kat” and I’m sad it’s gone.
That being said, it’s not immune to criticism. Reading various reviews, even the people who liked it took issues for a bunch of things. Most of which I couldn’t help but agree with. The show was far from perfect but what show is?
There was only one criticism that was completely missing from the comments and it’s why I’m here.

Maybe this perspective makes me naive or old fashioned or whatever… but I always thought the protagonist was the star of the show and the other characters are always supposed to like them and support them.
But it seemed to me like Kat had a group of people around her that didn’t get her quirks or play them off for laughs.

The biggest offender is her mom, Sheila. All the online criticism was focused on how much plastic surgery the actress had. Nobody mentioned how horrible she is as a mom. In her mind, Kat should have kept her high paying job and started giving her grandchildren. Then when she and Max broke up, she criticized her for it and didn’t want to understand why she did it. I mean, it is a huge leap- quitting a good job to live your dream of running a cat cafe. But there isn’t one episode where she doesn’t write it off as a waste of time or a bad decision. Sooner or later, you have to get with the program and let your children live their lives.
There’d be the occasional story arc where they have a heart to heart and Sheila offers some sort of apology and is grateful she has Kat. Then she goes back to being demeaning and condescending an episode later like that understanding never happened.

I have my own opinions about female characters constantly being badgered about “when are you having kids?” so I’ll leave that alone for now. Married with no kids is my dream and I want to see more representation of that in the media.
Ok, rant over.

The quirky girl archetype is maybe a little more done by this point (Disney has really leaned into it lately between Frozen and Encanto) but I still like it. Just with Kat, it was frustrating she was the only quirky one and nobody else wanted to get on board with that. Even Max would go along with her on that for so far.
The way the other characters treated her quirks is the reason I reserve mine for my closest friends and family. I feel self conscious about showing that side of me unless I know for sure other people won’t laugh at me or treat me like I’m some sort of a weirdo. This is something I still struggle with and I’m in my late 30s.
On the other hand, New Girl had Jess as the quirky title character the other guys didn’t really get. But eventually they got her humor and they found fun quirky things to do together. Like that one game they always played and somehow knew the rules to and I still don’t know how it works. I'll have to look up the rules online at some point.

Just to give some other examples of this “battered protagonist” trend-

Abbott Elementary is a really big show that’s won a lot of awards. I couldn’t get through more than a couple episodes because of the lead character’s boss. I just remember her disagreeing with the principal and going to the superintendent for her to be reprimanded, only for that to backfire cuz the superintendent is in the principal's back pocket. I think her coworkers treated her better than Kat’s friends so this might not be a valid argument.
But that principal, ugh, can’t stand her. It’s so strange how Quinta wrote the show and cast herself as the punching bag, the idealist who wants to actually make a difference and nobody wants to assist with that.

Then “better off dead”- really enjoy that show. I didn’t see Gina Rodriguez in “Jane the Virgin” but I’ve really enjoyed her as the obituary writer who talks to the recently departed. But it’s an uncomfortable watch when her superior (Lauren Ash I knew well from Superstore, great show gone too soon) is dripping with demeaning sarcasm every other interaction. Her roommate Edward is no better but he has his occasional moments where he’s helpful and telling things like they are is actually helpful.

But does it always have to be like that? Treating someone poorly one minute but the next they’re helpful in a way you didn’t expect.
Big Bang Theory has some of this also but I like the characters enough that I can get past these issues. Even Sheldon grew on me over time even though he’s super frustrating, especially when he can talk his way out of any transgression.
Is it so hard to be nice without it coming from a back handed compliment?

“Glee” also came to mind while I was brainstorming for this. I realize it’s technically an ensemble show but I always thought Rachel was the main character and I think she gets too much hate. She’s not perfect and she’d done things I don’t agree with. (Giving up her Funny Girl lead to do a sitcom that got cancelled after one season was the absolute worst- I blame the writers... they didn't need to force a final season because it ended well with how the previous one ended)
But her whole dynamic with Santana- I’m Team Rachel all the way. No disrespect to Naya Rivera, who was gone too soon like two of other Glee cast members, I didn’t like Santana intruding on Rachel’s broadway dreams, squatting in her loft with Kurt and auditioning as her understudy. How would you like it if the person who bullied you in school came into your life and competed with you like that? She should’ve found her own dream and left Rachel alone. The only good thing she did was being the voice of reason that got her the courage to do her opening night of Funny Girl.

Anyway I digress.Back to “Kat” and its other issues.

My big draw to it was the cat cafe idea. It’s super cute setup. But I just about had a panic attack at the start of season two because it looked like they were doing away with it. The cats stayed but it became less about them as time went on.

I always liked Max and the dynamic with him and Kat. Naturally like a lot of sitcoms before it, them getting together nearly killed the show. Or at least their breakup did. It killed me when they stopped talking to each other. A similar thing happened during the last season of Psych. All of the fun got sucked out of the show and I just wanted the tension to go away.

One final comment on Max- he was fun and a great character and had great chemistry with Kat. But going forward, please stop casting gay men in straight roles. The reverse, also true. Although I really liked Darren Kriss on Glee. Blaine and Kurt were such a cute couple.

I had NO idea until Cheyenne Jackson appeared on The Masked Singer that he was gay. Adding insult to injury, he’s openly gay and I didn’t have a clue. Seriously, for every gay actor like Leslie Jordan and Chris Colfer where their sexuality is extremely obvious, there’s Zachary Quinto and Cheyenne Jackson where their sexuality isn’t as obvious. My perception, or what others would call "gay-dar," has been horrendous since high school and gays playing straight on screen isn't helping that get any better.

But I also don't want others' sexuality to be made glaringly obvious through obnoxious fashion choices. I'm all for representation and visibility, but there are better ways to do it that are a lot  easier on the eyes. 

The biggest issue people had and I can’t help but agree- the 4th wall breaks.
In an industry that’s become overrun with self-aware meta humor, this show was one of the biggest offenders.
The original British series Miranda apparently had this too but not to this extent.
It was funny the first few shows. Cutaways you can count on one hand and they didn’t last long. But they grew longer and became way too frequent. One commenter said it was like telling a joke and having to explain to the audience why it’s funny. And if you have to explain your jokes that much, you’re doing something wrong.
I did like the curtain calls at the end, especially when it thanked the crew for putting on the show even with all the restrictions in place with masking up and stuff. The one time it felt strange was after a big fallout between Kat and Max. And they smile and wave like nothing bad happened.

One thing about “call me Kat” that they did perfectly- how they addressed Leslie Jordan’s passing in the show.
He had his own over the top moments but he was still very likable. A bright light on that show and it wasn’t the same afterwards. Pretty much all of the comments agreed on that.
Typically when actors pass away, the shows will write them out, recast them or do a touching tribute show like Glee did for Cory Monteith (can’t believe it’s been 10 years…)
With Leslie, they did it right and more shows should do this. They gave him a happy ending off screen. Really couldn’t ask for better. Then it’s almost like the show struggled to find itself again and never recovered.

Things you learn from watching... Chopped

 Introduction

This is going to be a series of posts.
All revolving around shows that've played in our house for decades. We enjoy them but they come with their own pet peeves. Or simply lessons some people wind up having to learn the hard way. Sometimes, it's frustrating for the viewer but it can also be super entertaining to see unfold. 
Also, I am aware that this isn't a purely original idea. But I don't care. I want to make my own comments and hopefully get some great input from my friends and family afterwards.

The Premise

This series came out a short time after we discovered "Iron Chef America" so the concept was a familiar one.
But instead of creating 5 dishes from a secret ingredient, the contestants receive mystery boxes across three rounds. They MUST use all of the ingredients in their dish in some way. With few exceptions, there's always an appetizer, entree and dessert round. And the winner wins $10,000.

The show's been around so long that they've done several versions of it. They have episodes around different types of chocolate or they have to have a fried element in every round. There's been tournaments where there's 5 episodes and the best of the best wins $50,000.
Some of our favorites from the years revolve around holidays. Especially when it's Halloween and they have different candies and goodies. (But due to copyright laws, they can't say the exact brand name of the candies unless it's a direct sponser of the show).

On the other hand, they've had some tricky games. Like they'll have leftovers and the results are mixed at best. Or one time they had different types of offal (hearts, livers, sweet breads, etc.)
Then again, it's never truly Chopped unless there's one bizarre basket ingredient every round. This drives my mom nuts, but it's part of the game. You have to be prepared for anything and some people are better prepared than others. Even if it's impossible to prepare for everything the producers behind the basket throw at you.

A Few Words of Advice

Now for the meat of this post.
If you're gonna compete on Chopped, remember these things:

The Basics and Criteria (Taste, Plating, Originality)

•  This bears repeating: DO NOT forget any of the basket ingredients. Not an immediate disqualification, but to say that it's generally frowned upon is an understatement.
  
  I remember one time a person advanced despite missing one ingredient... then got chopped in round 2 because they made that mistake twice
  
  
• Make sure you transform the basket ingredients in some way. Don't just throw it on the plate at the last minute. That's generally frowned upon
  
  
• Use the pantry to enhance your dish, but be sure that the basket ingredients are the star of the dish. 

• Taste
• For some reason the judges' table doesn't have a salt and pepper shaker... so be sure that your dish is properly seasoned. I can't count how many times (in every cooking show, come to think of it) I've heard the judges say there wasn't enough salt in a dish. 
• Other key things they look for (on a lot of food shows) is that the dishes are perfectly balanced. Sometimes they'll say they wish there was more acid- particularly on dishes involving seafood
  
  
• Plating
• make sure you choose the proper plating for your dish. If a fork and knife is required, don't choose the tiniest plate imaginable. 
• Also make sure the size of the dish matches the course and remember you are cooking for culinary experts, not yourself. 
  
  The only specific example I remember of this going wrong was when Johnny Weir competed on a celebrity edition. He made a tiny portion for his entree because that's what he typically eats.
  
  
• Give yourself a good 2-3 for plating at the end of the round. Plating/presentation is one of the big three things the judges are looking for, in addition to taste and originality.
  
  
• Fair warning: you prepare 4 dishes, three for the judges and one for all the camera shots. The best looking plate will be used for camera, meaning that if you're missing components (basket or otherwise), one of the judges will get your incomplete dish(s)

The Infamous Dessert Round

• If you're going to make ice cream for dessert, get to the ice cream machine ASAP. If the other chef needs the machine, clean it out for them. (Just common courtesy). And be careful not to overchurn- a lot of chefs make this mistake and come back to find out they accidentally made butter instead of ice cream 
  
  
• Think outside the bread pudding and pain perdu. SO many people in the earlier years made french toast for dessert and the judges are looking for greater creativity
  
  
• This applies for all the other rounds but it's more frequent in desserts: if you're working with a crust, puff pastry or phyllo dough, don't serve the judges undercooked dough. That usually ends up in you getting chopped and/or tripping over the finish line

Other cooking tips

• If you cut yourself, make sure you follow the proper sanitary practices. If there's blood on your cutting board or in your food, the judges won't touch it and you WILL be chopped
  
  
• Give yourself proper time to cook your proteins. If you get something that normally takes hours to cook (cornish hens, spare ribs, etc.) and you only have 20-30 minutes, break it down before cooking it
  
  
•  Don't make two separate preparations in the same dish (i.e. salmon 2 ways). This leads the judges to compare the two and the lesser of the two could be the reason you're sent home

• Not as common anymore, but in the earlier seasons, chefs would set up their grill pans really late into a round and it'd be too late to get a proper cook
  
  
• Keep an eye on your equipment. Sometimes stoves and ovens will "randomly" turn off and you lose valuable cooking time.
  
  
• Don't repeatedly open up your oven to see if your food is cooking. (Seriously, someone did this with their cornish hen, it wound up being raw and they got chopped)
  
  
• if your main component is fried or crispy, don't let that part of it be in direct contact with your sauce or it'll undo the crispiness you worked to achieve
  
  
• Remove all the pin bones from your fish. When you cook shrimp, remove the vein. Having shell fragments in your dish is also not good
  
  
• an early series taboo- for the love of God, DO NOT use truffle oil to finish your dish. Nowadays, it can apply to a number of other spices and oils. If you're using something that packs a punch (sriracha or ghost peppers) or tends to overpower a dish (i.e. fish sauce), use it sparingly or not at all. 
  
  
• Sometimes there will be basket ingredients that have parts that are poisonous. Example: a fruit called cherimoya. The seeds are poisonous. DO NOT put the seeds in your dish- the poison will not go away when you cook it

Dealing with the Judges

• If Scott Contant is among the judges that day, do not include raw onions in your dish. He hates them. He'll also judge you harshly if you use pasta and don't do it justice
  
  
• I don't remember every judge's preferences but Alex loves bacon and Amanda likes chocolate. (No joke, some contestants have taken advantage of this. Flattery doesn't always pay off but it doesn't hurt to try if done well)
  
  
• This applies more to the earlier seasons of the series, but it's something that stuck with me. Do not sass the judges when they critique you, especially if it's Geoffrey Zakarian. I've seen him put several chefs with big egos in their place because they were being disrespectful. After all, you can't improve in any discipline if you don't know how to listen and take criticism 
  
  
• If you're going to call your dish (or one of its components) by a specific name, make sure it fits the description. The jduges won't hesitate to call you out on it if it doesn't
  
  
• Don't give the judges a dissertation about what you "planned" to do or what components didn't make it to the plate. It not only gets you off on th wrong foot but they'll just say there's no point mentioning elements they can't taste. The one exception is basket ingredients. If you don't bring up the fact it didn't make it to the plate, they'll do that for you. 

Other Observations

• Typically, each show has 3 male contestants and one female. For whatever reason, it always seemed like the girl got sent home first. Especially in the early years of the show. If it was 50/50, the odds improve but chances are the women got sent home first

• If you watch enough cooking shows (like I do with my family), you tend to see a lot of familiar faces between the different series. I've seen at least three Hell's Kitchen contestants on Chopped. Only Roshni was able to win the whole thing. Sakari and Dana (both made it to black jackets but didn't win) got chopped in the dessert round, barely missing the tile of Chopped Champion

Rocko's Modern Life: Part 2

For some reason,  I decided to go through a bunch of episodes involving Heffer or were otherwise initiated by something he did or didn't do.
Maybe I didn't realize it until looking back, but there were times where he kinda annoyed me. Whether he was being selfish or plain idiotic... but he's also one of the most loyal friends a person can have. As well as the type that would push you to do things outside of your comfort zone because they know you'll regret not trying. 

Put Out to Pasture

If you’ve watched this series for any stretch of time, you’re aware of Heffer and his love of pasture puffies. If this post was sponsored by Noom (which it isn’t), I’d go in detail about how his voracious appetite came from years of “food pushing” from his adopted family. According to Mrs. Wolfe, when they took him in as a kid with the intention of eating him: “you were a little skinny so we decided to fatten you up. But then we grew to love you…” Through the series, there’d been multiple occasions where his overeating not only got him into trouble but it’s harmed others around him.

This story arc is notable because of its flashbacks. Heffer more or less overdosed on his favorite snack food so he’s in the hospital for some sort of food coma. The most significant flashback was when the trio all met in high school and had to work together on a science project. While working late in the classroom on their own, they share a bag of chips. Rocko divvies them out like playing cards and Heffer eats them as he gets them. Then he gets upset when he sees the others with their chips and his are already gone. Rocko tries (and fails) to explain he’d already eaten them, but offers to share his. You can see where this is going…
Filbert’s reactions are over the top but still pretty hilarious. When he insists, “I’ve got plans for these chips!” he wasn’t kidding… he holds them in his hands like playing cards, swapping them around for various future activities. Heffer blows a gasket and assaults Filbert to take them for himself. This brings about Filbert’s own measure of assault, trying to stuff as much down Heffer’s gullet as possible. Inevitably, this includes the light bulb (cuz, big shocker, he already ate the potato)… but to their amazement, the light bulb is glowing in his mouth. So Rocko and Filbert stuff all kinds of potato products into Heffer in an effort to save the project. At first it appears not to work but then the whole block experiences a blackout and the light from their lightbulb can be seen shining for miles. So… they got an A+
At this point Heffer revives and they know he’ll be ok. But right after they’re grateful, everyone spews anger at him and leaves. He then takes out a bag of chips he’d hidden to binge some more and a disgruntled Rocko confiscated them.
Apparently, there's also a flashback (completely forgot about this one) where Filbert works at a grocery store and his manager warns him not to let Heffer eat all of the free samples. He has such a reputation for this, there are actual wanted posters of him and he employs a variety of disguises.

Tooth and Nail

Two common defense mechanisms for any bad habit are denial and deflection… both of which are explored here. During my most recent watch of this segment, I left it a little more frustrated than satisfied with its outcome. It all begins at a scratch n sniff restaurant where you order based on how various items on the menu smell... apparently 3M patented the "scratch n sniff" technology back in 1965, but I remember it being a common thing when I was a kid in the 90's.

While at this restaurant, Rocko points out how Heffer is so fat, he barely fits into the booth and he needs to get control of it. They go back and forth about whether or not he has a problem. Then they discover Rocko is having trouble using his card because he basically has nubs for nails. Heffer completely turns the tables on Rocko and says HE needs to get control of HIS problem. In his frustration, Rocko runs off with his signature scream “I don’t have a problem!!! Dahhh!” and Heffer and Filbert bemoan, “he’s got a problem...”
Maybe I should pay more attention if I ever watch the series again cuz I don’t really remember Rocko biting his nails that much… granted, it’s an issue that needs to be resolved and it eventually is. It just makes me mad that they could’ve staged an intervention for Heffer and it never happens because he slyly shifts the focus away from himself.

How Rocko’s problem is resolved is probably the craziest 12 step program ever. He buys the program from the chameleon brothers. On the first step, he's forced (more like threatened, actually) to admit his problem and 6 of the characters in the program hightail it to Vegas because nail biting is only a 6 step problem. What ensues is a bunch of random animation sequences- like shave the weasel and swish the fish.
When Rocko finally questions the point of all this, Step 5 jokes, “well, nothing really. We’re just having a little bit of fun” and then step 6 is kinda like the Ghost of Christmas Future except this dude talks. The scene Rocko sees is Heffer and Filbert finding him in a dumpster where he’s chewing the nails off mannequin toes like a mad man. Ultimately, he snaps out of it and everything is ok
There’s a funny final scene with the other 6 steps at Vegas. Everyone is on the curb because they’re all broke. One guy comments how they can hock one of their friends for a couple of bucks and the “you’ve got a problem/no, I don’t” saga continues… it’s kinda nuts how they went into gambling and addiction on a kids' show, but at least it’s better than all the innuendo stuff.

Tickled Pinky

Another opportunity for Heffer to get control of his problem happens here as a result of a medical emergency involving Rocko. The two of them are at a jackhammer expo (one of Rocko’s biggest interests) when Rocko’s appendix gets sick. Heffer rushes him to the hospital on foot because the ambulance beavers picked up the fallen jack hammer by mistake ( :sigh: "I hate when that happens"). Once there, Heffer collapses after mumbling he’s too fat. The receptionist calls for help, “pick up in reception… too fat.” The beaver paramedics come back out to pick him up and it’s hard not to laugh when their “hups” screech down to a snail's pace. That’s karma for you… in the next room titled “liposuction” the surgeon’s like, “good lord, get me that sucker!”

Poor Rocko has to fill out a mountain of paperwork before he can be seen. Luckily, there’s a friendly face waiting for him in the examination room. Dr. Hutchison in her 2nd post of the series ("I thought you were a dentist."/"Well, I was, but I was getting tired of looking down in the mouth."). The way she explains his pain with the metaphor of lightning bolts and how they need to get him some wavy lines (for relief) is pretty cool. A lot of the writing is also really good, giving Rocko’s organs different personalities and how they explain the condition of his appendix as it being out sick from school.
After he passes out from the pain, he has a dream of spending time with Pinky (his appendix), doing everything on its bucket list before it has to leave. And it’s kind of an emotional goodbye too
The final scene is Rocko burying Pinky (“you put me in a jar?”) and learning he’ll have his tonsils and baby teeth for company. Then Heffer shows up, extremely skinny and his fat groans as it flies off to heaven “I didn’t even get to go the carnival…” but then we see Heffer in future episodes and he’s back to normal.

This cartoon was the first time I'd heard about appenditicis being a thing... and it's always been a source of paranoia for me. Like the appendix is like a ticking time bomb and for some people, it goes off and you need emergency surgery before it kills you. Any time I experience any sort of pain in that area, it comes to mind that this could be it. It's not a regular occurrence, but that doesn't make me any less paranoid about it.
I swear, the next time I need any sort of surgery and they're in the neighborhood, I kinda wanna tack that on, just so I can stop worrying about it.
It's also worth noting that Rocko is an incredible amount of pain throughout this and the fact the hospital isn't quick to address it... it's a bit worrisome.

Schnit Heads

First off... how'd they get away for THAT title on a kid's show?

One of the most memorable segments in the whole series.
Heffer gets recruited to join… essentially a sausage cult. All because he was avidly enjoying the food at their restaurant. This kind of cult eats sausages for every meal, every day of the week. Eventually, it reaches a point where Heffer diverts from the menu.

“Pizza... I was getting a little tired of sausage so I ordered out.”

Then he gets reprimanded ("We don’t eat pizza here, brother… we never get tired of sausage. We LOVE sausage”) and he’s forced into hard labor as punishment.
So… two questions. If this is a bad thing, why’d they allow any sort of food delivery in the first place? And is sausage pizza off limits too?
Rocko discovers this and Filbert (after saying the hilariously suggestive line “sausage can be very seductive”) offers to help. Then their Trojan horse inspired plan goes array and they all get saved by residential superhero Really Really Big Man.
Heffer ultimately comes away with one lesson- “all that's shiny is not sausage… or something.”

Rocko's Modern Life: Part 1

I'm not doing these storylines in any specific order... 

These first 4 happen to be the ones I have the least to say about.

Skid Marks

The whole thing begins with a car chase being broadcast on live TV.
It winds up being Rocko’s car and the police find an escaped convict in the trunk. The car gets impounded because of this and the fact its gas cap is missing. So to get his car back, Rocko has to take Driver's Ed.

Through all the courses, the teachers keep saying, “don’t get the fat guy.” Come driver's test time, he gets a fat elephant as his instructor and they simulate driving while on foot. (One funny joke- there's a sign saying “Slow Children at Play”- it’s a couple of kids playing catch in slow motion).
Then something dramatic happens and the teacher is rendered hysterical, but says Rocko passed the test. The chameleon brothers (who see do several jobs throughout the series) take his picture and explain to him. “Oh no, that’s not the fat guy. (Points) THAT’S the fat guy.” (It’s a large pig that stomps around, fat oozes from his backside and smothers any nearby people).

So Rocko is all set to go, but then he can’t pick up his car because his gas cap is still missing… why that’s such a big deal, I have no idea. Then again, all of our gas caps are on leashes nowadays.
Turns out the criminal they arrested moments earlier had taken it and is forced to apologize. One funny final comment is between a father and son. 

“Daddy, daddy, teacher says ‘every time a gas cap is found, an angel gets its wings.”

"Your teacher’s full of snot.”

While on the driving topic, I thought I'd go into:

Driving Mrs. Wolfe

Heffer’s dad gets a new car but forbids anyone else to drive it. Something about this inspires Heffer’s mom to want to learn how to drive so he offers to teach her. His efforts seem to be all in vain because she's a klutz on the road, but she eventually gets the hang of it. 

This whole episode is memorable because of one running gag. Rocko gets pretty neurotic about Mrs. Wolfe being inept about driving and a couple times when this lands them in a dangerous situation, he screams for them to move… oblivious to what’s going on around her, she gives him grief for yelling and, at least once, says “we’re not going anywhere unless you change your tone.” Hesitantly he says “Mrs Wolfe, please…” and she’s like “ok since you asked nicely”.

No idea why I found that so hilarious but I do. That’s such a mom thing to say.

Bye, Bye, Birdie

Filbert is going to the hospital to have tests done. So he entrusts his pet bird Turdy to Rocko until he returns.
Plain and simple, the bird is a jerk and gets Rocko and Heffer in all kinds of trouble. He’s such a nuisance that there’s a montage of people coming to his house to report the bird’s various crimes. And there’s this one guy who keeps saying “keep your bird away from MY monkey…"

So anyway, after Rocko (now chained to Turdy to keep a closer eye on him) gives the bird a lecture for all the trouble he’d caused, Heffer accidentally sits on the bird, killing him. They panic and don’t know how to break it to Filbert. Then Filbert gets sent home early, to his utmost chagrin.
“The doctors couldn’t find anything wrong with me. (Throws hospital band on the ground) Fools…”
Yeah, he’s the only person on the planet that gets excited about medical tests and would have that reaction to a lack of diagnosis.

Rocko starts to apologize, but Filbert explains that Turdy is a rare species of myna with a short 3-week life span… Heffer breaks the tension a second later (“did you tell him I sat on it?”)
Then the monkey guy comes back (after they bury the bird “at sky”) to drop off a shoebox, grumbling “Here, I ain’t dealing with it." So… apparently, Turdy and his monkey got together and now Filbert has a whole family of monkey birds. I mean, this is the same series where Filbert marries a cat (Dr. Hutchison) and they have an egg with 4 babies: 2 turtles, a cat and a cow that looks like Heffer but with glasses… I’m just gonna assume it’s because Heffer helped incubate the egg… the show certainly didn’t dwell on that turn of events too long. But unlike those children, we never see fur or feather from the monkey birds after this story arc ends.

Also, I didn't realize until very recently... Turdy's name should've been a huge clue that the bird was gonna have a crappy attitude. (Sorry, couldn't help myself, haha)

Future Schlock

20 years or so in the future, Filbert’s children are all grown up. They’re investigating things at Rocko’s old house and find a banana abandoned in the refrigerator. They also find an old photo of the trio and them as babies. 

Norbert points to Heffer, asking who that is. Gilbert says, “that’s uncle Heffer, the one you take after.” Norbert quickly balks, “whadda ya mean?” (I mean, it’s obvious to the rest of us, right?)

They go to Filbert for answers and we learn he’s 38… the way he was acting makes it seem like he's a lot older, geesh…
Eventually, they get around to asking, “oh father, why would anybody put a banana in the refrigerizer?” 

We ultimately get a bunch of flashbacks from the time of the photo. The banana reminds him of how Rocko and “that fat guy” (“uncle Heffer?”/"yes... Uncle Heffer"…) disappeared.
At the end, they do come back. They'd been in space, along with a monkey Ed wanted to send into space, and a race of intelligent bananas. The wrinkly old banana that had been in the fridge (thanks to Filbert, apparently) was their leader. Mr. Bighead shows up, saying how that's his rocket and he gets abducted by the monkey and the bananas.

Even with the wiki in front of me, a lot of this doesn’t make a lot of sense, but I still love that “refrigerizer” line.