Assistant principal Mr. Bone, for all intents and purposes, is the school’s main authority figure. He’s a sucker for rules and regulations and his favorite pastime is yodeling. An interesting combination for sure. Doug and his classmates have had occasional issues with him, but usually are able to come to a peaceful solution.
Some of his favorite phrases include "this is going on your permanent record!," "Don't mess up" and the always popular "report to [insert location here] P.D.Q."... once he actually adds "whatever that stands for..."
My mom says it means "pretty darn quick"... but in my whole life, I don't think I'd ever heard anyone else says this acronym :P
One episode I didn’t get to rewatch was Doug's Shock Therapy. Mr. Bone was in the hospital and Doug was volunteered to bring him get-well cards from his class. He happened to have his skateboard with him and Mr. Bone thought that was his get well present. He's overjoyed and says something like “I’ve never gotten a real present before. Usually, I get some stupid card tree."
Also kinda funny was that the surgery was for removing a wart from his pinkie and he was acting like it was something major. It reminds me of Roger freaking out at the dentist over a simple cleaning.
So when Mr. Bone returns to school, he’s acting half his age and wants to be called "T-Bone."
A similar situation happened in Rocko’s Modern Life where Mr. Bighead started acting younger after being passed up for a promotion and Rocko got sick of him always hanging around. I’m not sure if that happened in this Doug episode as well. But I remember Doug finally setting Mr. Bone straight when they’re at this massive ramp at a new skate park... and Mr. Bone accidentally winds up going down the ramp and is back in the hospital.
On several occasions, Doug winds up in trouble with Mr. Bone because something Roger did. But he usually winds up paying for it.
Doug Didn't Do It
Mr. Bone's yodeling trophy is often the victim of a prank. One time it’s M.I.A., Doug finds it in his locker and is at a loss on what to do.
haha... Doug actually says "What hump?" in this secene
Young Frankenstein fans will appreciate that reference ;)
Judy has a few interesting ideas when he asks her for advice. Especially when Doug has a Skunky Beaumont ancedote when she suggests pleading insanity. ("And now he has to see the guidance counselor every day...")
Ultimately, he chickens out of telling the truth and just puts it back in his office. Unfortunately he overlooked the fact it was in a bag with his name on it. So... detention.
The audacity Roger has is pretty astounding, even by his standards. Not only did he frame Doug in the first place, he sends an anonymous tip to look in locker #47, but he goes into the office and gives away his entire plan like an inept Bond villain. And he trips up the P.A. system so Mr. Bone hears the whole thing.
His expression when he’s caught is priceless, haha. (I can't believe the Doug Wiki site had this exact screenshot. It's perfect!)
Doug's Big News
During Mr. Bone’s school news program, Doug makes a random comment about it making math class seem like a good idea. He happens to walk in and demands him to do better. Ms. Wingo takes this idea and runs with it. The class takes over the news show and our usual cast of characters assume various roles.
The one segment we see Mr. Bone watching is Beebe’s... her shopping sketch is all about her birthday and what’s on her list. Literally the worst thing he could have checked in on because after they finish, he says they still have much more to learn.
Then again, Chalky’s sports segment is cut short because he gets tackled mid-broadcast. Roger does Peter Griffin’s “What Really Grinds My Gears” segment several years before it existed in "Family Guy" and Skeeter gives Karen Smith ("Mean Girls") a run for her money as worst weather person. The one success is Doug and Patti as the anchorpersons. After school, people are coming up to them for autographs.
Roger is jealous of the extra attention and proceeds to hijack the show to promote himself. He does some brown nosing and takes credit for the tribute they made for Mr. Bone. The cherry on top: he screws up Doug like Veronica Corningstone did with Ron Burgandy ("Anchorman") by giving him the wrong notes.
"In other news, Mr. Bone wears pink underwear..."
Patti then gets a couple of notes saying:
"Doug Funnie, report to the assistant principal's office. PDQ. Oh, and this just in. Everyone's off the show except for Roger and Mr. Bone."...
But the others get even by using Roger’s predictability against him. They have another gift for Mr. Bone and he quickly takes credit it. Little does he know...
It’s pink underwear!
And this discovery happens on live TV at school.
The episode ends with the newest news segment- Crime & Punishment, straight from detention.
Doug Battles the Rulemeister
Roger tricks Doug into putting polka dotted underwear on the school founders statue. After consulting his trusty rule book, Mr. Bone sentences everyone in the hallway to Saturday detention.
Doug spends this time imagining how Quailman would handle this. Some of the rule book's contents are so oddly specific that he creates the Rulemeister, who forces everyone to do the craziest things via the rule book. Like jumping up and down after giving change or standing on your head at a certain time of day. He takes Quailman’s defiance to a pretty big extreme: taking away weekends.
They meet face to face and swap blows, so to speak. Quailman shows up randomly in his office and Rulemeister scribbles a new rule on a piece of loose leaf: “No Visitors after 6”.
Then Quailman peruses the rule book and finds something to use against him.
“All socks must match... except on weekends?!”
Oh, busted!
So everyone gets their weekends back and Quailman also creates a new day to create a three day weekend.
In reality, Doug pulls a similar trick after Mr. Bone intercepts his sketches and it works amazingly.
“Does the rule book apply to everyone?”
"Everyone without exception."
"Well, excuse me, sir, but you've just broken one of your own rules. No grabbing other peoples' comics."
It’s actually on a list of rules on the wall- if you pay attention at the start of detention, it’s there in plain sight.
Admittedly, it’s really silly and Mr. Bone breaks character out of nowhere.
So he doesn't miss his yodeling lesson that afternoon, he agrees to enstate Doug's suggestion for no more Satuday detentions...
Doug's Cartoon
One episode that’s still relevant to this day has to do with a satirical cartoon that lands Doug in trouble. School food is given a lot of heat throughout the series anyway.
But one day Doug sketches other uses for “magic meat” and Chalky likes it so much he puts in the school paper.
This becomes a huge argument over freedom of the press.
Even Judy gets involved.
Apparently she and her friends love a good protest... go figure, right?
Finally, Mr. Bone cracks and tries to negotiate with Doug to get everyone off his back. He will give back the school newspaper if Doug takes one for the team. But he refuses to eat magic meat and is literally saved last minute by a call from the principal. Apparently he liked the cartoon so Mr. Bone folds like a lawn chair and the paper is allowed to resume.
***
Now for some events that took place on school grounds...
Doug Can't Dance
The pilot.
There's an upcoming costume party and Doug's afraid he'll make a fool of himself in front of Patti because he can't dance. Skeeter teaches him some but I don’t think twisting himself into a pretzel was part of the plan.
Once there, both Doug and Patti give Roger the cold shoulder and his friends give him grief over it. So he concocts a plan, but not before saying, “It’s hammer time!”
I lost it laughing... I completely forgot he said that. I also don’t think I knew that reference when the show first aired. A funny thing in retrospect is that it’s a phrase I say a lot (at least over the past 5 years) and I might have heard it here first when I was 6.
Another funny moment I completely forgot about: the Dinks are chaperones and Mr. Dink dressed as a chicken. Skeeter is the DJ and at one point, Mr Dink falls off a ladder and swings across the room holding a string of lights. Skeeter's comment after a few seconds' pause: “Wow! A flying chicken, cool!”
Don’t know why, but it made me laugh so hard.
A running joke is Doug dressing like a slug and nobody knows what he’s supposed to be. But Patti gets it. She also teaches him some moves and he’s having a good time. Then when “hammer time” goes array and Roger smashes his foot by accident, Patti has his back again and turns his hopping from the pain into a new dance craze.
Doug's a Big Fat Liar
Another dance is the bumpkin day hoedown where it’s a Sadie Hawkins type of deal. Doug waits for Patti to ask him, but Connie beats her to it. Out of nowhere, he lies about having to take care of his sick cousin Melvin and can't go. This snowball of a whopper quickly evolves into an avalanche.
First, Patti finds about “Cousin Melvin” when she’s about to ask him. Then she and Connie stop by to visit and Judy offers to assume the role without even being asked. She takes the role so far that “Melvin” makes a miraculous recovery so the four of them go to the dance together.
Patti happens to be chairperson of the dance and invites “Melvin” to give a speech. Judy has everyone going until a cow (yeah, a real cow) mistakes her wig for hay and she’s outed. But after Doug comes clean, things go back to normal immediately.
Doug's No Dummy
There's an upcoming talent show and Roger signs Doug up as a joke. But he quickly develops a ventriloquism act. Sure, his lips are still moving, but not everyone can whip something together last minute like that.
When his dad brings up this after a practice peformance, Judy has a brilliant comment to sum it all up.
"Don't you get it, Dad? He was trying to tell us... we move our lips, but we don't... say... anything... [sobs]. It was beautiful!"
At the show, Doug has stage fright so bad he keeps postponing his performance. Meanwhile, Skeeter loses his act to Stinky.
Fun fact: this was the first time I'd ever heard of an ocarina... and maybe a lot of other people until "The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time" came out). He made it out of a hard roll from the cafeteria and... well... Mr. Dink didn't buy his excuse...
"I can't go on. Stinky ate my ocarina."
"Not the old 'cat ate the ocarina' excuse. At least be original..."
[yeah, this is an episode we still quote to this day. It's so good!]
Patti is a little nervous, but Doug offers some much needed encouragement. By the time he gets up the nerve, Chalky is up next... with 2 dummies! Seriously, what are the odds?
So Doug goes on and his dummy Buster quickly loses his head and disaster is imminent. But thanks to some quick thinking from Patti, she and Skeeter turn his snafu into a rousing success.
"Hey, I'm not the dummy. You're the dummy!"
"If I'm the dummy, how come you're the one singing the spider song? 'Eeny weeny spider went up the water spout.' Oh, brother!"
I mean, the whole series is pretty great, but this is one of the episodes definitely worth watching on YouTube. I can only quote so much of it at a time :P
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