A Marvel Tribute

I revisited my Endgame review to see just how much detail I went into before I go into more... 

I'd been meaning to do this post for a long time, but now feels like the right time.

Before going any further, this goes into #EndgameSpoilers... so if you hadn't seen the movie yet or don't want to hear how it ends, I'd suggest leaving this page immediately...

...also I go into a LOT of other topics and I meander quite a bit, so just be warned... and I apologize in advance if a lot of it is trivial and about things not relevant to this topic... in the end, they're all relevant to me and I'm the one writing this. 

...Ok, for those still here... this is where the post really starts... 

Man, these words are difficult to say and I'd had 5 months to think about them... 

The entire Marvel franchise that started with Iron-Man ended with him making the sacrificial move and dying in the end... 
It's been hard just holding onto this without talking about it so I don't spoil the movie for people... but it's almost like losing someone, but you can't talk about it because their death was part of a conspiracy. Or your vampire boyfriend left, but you can't talk about why you're sad about him leaving without revealing he's a vampire.

This sounds really silly, but I'm still having a really hard time with it. It's ironic that I'd spent the last couple of years almost wanting this scenario to play out because I want Robert Downey Jr. to start doing other things. Being part of Marvel kinda limits his options to do other projects. Plus, the dude needs to win an Oscar. He's not going to earn one playing Tony Stark. Wouldn't it be hilarious if he (and Stan Lee- posthumously of course) actually got an Honorary Oscar for launching this franchise that revolutionized the movie industry? Although they might need to give an Honorary Oscar to George Lucas first because he launched Star Wars and that was a game-changer too. 

Point is he needs to win an Oscar because he's an amazing actor that has been passed over a lot because of his past difficulties. He lost to Al Pacino, who got the Oscar for "Scent of a Woman" to make up for past snubs. And he lost to Heath Ledger because... well, Heath Ledger died... I mean, that role in Tropic Thunder can't be gotten away with in today's politically correct world (kinda funny that I'm writing this now after Justin Trudeau got in trouble for photos in blackface from 20 years ago...) but I'm still bitter as heck that Heath Ledger only got the Oscar buzz because he died making The Dark Knight. Granted, he was the only good part about that movie... yeah, I hated The Dark Knight, sue me... it's too long and adding Two-Face felt like an afterthought because they didn't know how to end the movie otherwise. 

Back to the topic at hand... Watchmojo (a YouTube channel I enjoy a little too much) posted a new video titled top 10 most heroic deaths in movies. Tony Stark from his final "I am Iron-Man" moment was the thumbnail... I haven't watched it yet because I don't know if I'm ready for it yet. There was also a video about "heroes who created the villain"... #10 was from the new Spider-Man and I immediately freaked out and skipped ahead...

I haven't seen the new Spider-Man movie. I thought I'd be in a hurry to do so, but I'm not. It came out 2 months ago and they actually used it as a cross-promotion with United for the safety lecture. (It's really cool). But judging from the trailers, this movie is about Peter Parker struggling with the loss of his mentor and maybe wanting to give up the superhero gig entirely. I'm not ready for that yet... 

This is where the difficult part comes in... I'd seen a couple of Watchmojo lists relating to Marvel, one with 10 awesome things RDJ did outside of Marvel, and watched Doctor Strange as I said I would at the end of my Endgame post... 

but I haven't been able to see any of his movies since this one.

Leading up to Endgame, I rewatched Iron-Man, Avengers, Avengers 2, Civil War, and EndGame... I spent so much time with Tony that I was kinda getting sick of him, but it might be my own fault for binging movies the months leading up to it...

But it almost feels like a part of me died when he did in the movie because it felt like he really did. That death scene was hard to watch- especially because movies always fake you out when someone dies. Heck, they did that in the first Avengers movie, but I was more freaked out that Loki was going to control him with his scepter than him not making it back from space. But part of me was kinda thinking he'd make it back... he went through SO MUCH through these movies, it's amazing he made it this far. 

But as much as I get it in the grand scheme of things, I'm still kinda upset about it. I'm mad at Steve Rogers because he decided he had to fix everything when Tony got his happy ending. He just couldn't let things go... he never can... that's part of his character. He and Tony seem to have that in common, not being able to leave things alone. 

Maybe the weirdest part about all this... I think about RDJ and almost feel like he died when his character did and it's hard to remind myself he's still alive- cuz that pain is still there.

Meanwhile, Prince died in real life and I'd spent the last 3 years trying to think about him as if he's still here... because it's hard to reconcile the fact he isn't anymore. The moment I got the news, I let myself be shocked and sad for 2 minutes. Then "1999" starts playing and I told myself I wouldn't waste my time mourning and instead celebrating him. 

In other words, I have things completely screwed up and backwards in my mind... 

And I don't know if I'll be cured of this weird state of mind until his next movie comes out... that Doctor Dolittle remake (which is most likely not going to be very good because it's a REMAKE and the month it's being released is usually when the box office bombs come out) won't be out until January. 

The Voyage of Dr. Dolittle will be out January 17 2020... I immediately looked him up after this movie to see when his next movie was so I could get out of this weird funk, but it hasn't happened. I still have 4 months left, although I have my suspicions the rest of this year is going to be fly by in a blink. I can't believe it's September already and my mind is already looking forward to things in October. Like pumpkin spice season... 

I just feel like if I see him doing something in present tense, I'll snap back to normal. 

Also, they're doing a Black Widow movie FINALLY... and he's rumored to be in the cast... that could really screw things up, as much as I'd like it to be true. Meanwhile, Jeremy Renner isn't listed at all, which he SHOULD BE... I mean, hello, the two of them have history together. He's shooting, meanwhile, a Hawkeye TV series that I think will be Netflix exclusive... 

I don't have Netflix cuz we're not cool enough to have Netflix, but even then... I don't want to be part of that binge-watching culture because I barely have time for all the shows I do want to watch. I tried to keep up with all of them for a couple years until I just burnt out. 

Hopefully it'll give a DVD release of the individual seasons. They did put out John Krasinski's Jack Ryan series on DVD (which I've wanted to see for ages cuz I swear a weird dream I had was inspired by seeing trailers of it). 

...looked it up. It's Disney+... I just don't want to pay a subscription for streaming just to watch one show... I don't even stream my music. I buy CD's so I only have to pay for them once... 

This post is just all over the place, isn't it?

Another funny thing... my first glimpse of RDJ was trailers for Tropic Thunder and I felt like I had to see the movie to figure out what the hell his character was ("I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude")... that one line was so hilarious and nonsensical I had to find out what was going on. I loved his performance, thought it should have won an Oscar (seriously... I'm never letting that go). So from an acting perspective, I wanted to start keeping tabs on him. Next was Sherlock Holmes and that was a fun watch too. And he won a Golden Globe for that. I never saw that show before, but I gave it a shot on a whim and I saw THAT. Awesome... but why no Oscar nomination? 

The nominations were George Clooney, Jeremy Renner, Jeff Bridges (who won the drama cat. at the Globes), Colin Firth and Morgan Freeman... granted, that's a lot of star power, but STILL... in 2010, I went to the movies to see him three times... Iron-Man 2, Due Date and Sherlock Holmes was actually January... I saw 23 movies that year... 

Then 2011... it kinda became the year that RDJ owned... and it all started with Less Than Zero. I love 80's pop culture so much and my knowledge of music and movies from that time is pretty vast, although I don't know everything... but it's funny how some things from that decade returned to my conscience years after they first caught my attention... my first encounters with Prince were 20 years ago when we watched the 1999 video and I saw bits of Purple Rain a couple years after that... he returns in 2006-7, makes multiple appearances I saw through multiple circumstances... I became a hardcore fan who had to know everything about him in 2007 and the rest is history. He became a huge part of my life and still is. 

With Less Than Zero, I'd wanted to see it since seeing the music video by The Bangles. It was on a VHS tape full of old MTV videos (1999 was on there as well) and I liked it so much I fast-forwarded to it multiple times. I liked all three of those Bangles videos (Walk like an Egyptian and Manic Monday-- didn't know at the time Prince wrote that one-- were the other two). One time, I watched this video twice in a row. It was very spooky and haunting and because it was from an 80's movie, I wanted to see this movie. 

I had no idea he was going to be in it... I didn't know anything about him except Sherlock Holmes and that Golden Globe and him being Iron-Man... 

February became a defining month for me over the past several years. Whatever defined that year for me, I saw that month. Prince at the SuperBowl (I started my fandom officially the next day- 2/5/2007), RDJ in Less than Zero (2/4/2011), Evgeni Plushenko at the Sochi Olympics (2/13/2014- his previous performance 4 days earlier wanted me to see what he'd do next... that injury that led to him withdrawing was the 13th... doesn't have to be a Friday to be unlucky)

Admittedly, Less than Zero wasn't a great movie. I found it uncomfortable to watch for a number of reasons. A couple had to do with sex scenes. One might ask- you like Prince and that bothers you?... when it's done from an artistic perspective, it's easier for me to digest. But when it's more intense and in your face, it's more difficult. But over time, I became more comfortable in this realm as well... provided the sex scene works in the scheme of the story... 

I also had my issues with the storyline because it's just a bit out there. My mom, whenever movies come up that have to do with either drugs or prostitution- American Gigolo is another, but I hadn't seen that one. Not sure if I ever will, beyond the opening scene where "Call Me" plays... she says that these movies are strange or bizarre or something along those lines. As if they're not normal. 

Less Than Zero shows a dark side of the youth culture in LA in the 80's... when you're addicted to drugs and your drug dealer keeps you hooked because you owe them money. 

I'd watched the movie twice... but only once all the way through. The second time, I watched up until the father-son reconciliation scene. And I couldn't continue after that. 

Also, this movie is why I hate James Spader, or at least I used to. (I don't love the guy, but I don't hold this crazy grudge against him anymore... not since seeing Ultron, funny enough... I hated the casting, but he was really good in the role and Tony almost deserved retribution for creating him). Because he played a really bad bad guy and I still blame him for the fact Julian dies at the end. There's a lot of talk about addicts and how they create their own hell and they should take the blame for their own actions. Sure, Julian owed him money, but he didn't have to be so sadistic about keeping him hooked, forcing him into prostitution to resolve his debts. 

Crazy thing is in the book, Julian doesn't die at the end. And a sequel was written, Imperial Bedrooms, where the characters actually see Less than Zero the movie and Julian is dumbstruck that they killed him off... I think he does eventually get killed off in that book as well. I don't plan on reading it. 

I just remember seeing the movie, being up past midnight to watch the whole thing. The movie ended with Roy Orbison "Fade Away" playing through the credits. I stayed for the credits cuz I couldn't move. I was so numb afterwards about what happened. 

The next day, I did my research, went DEEP into RDJ's past, found out about the drug issues and the fact doing this movie might have made matters worse instead of being a cautionary tale (I know all those drug education classes in school made me want to steer clear of anything addicting... I consume alcohol, but not to any detriment). Ultimately what I wanted to accomplish was learn everything I could so his past being revisited wouldn't hurt me or deter me. I also researched all of his movies- a) to see if they were any good or had something of interest and b) if he dies in the end.

So all of this fangirling really started with being messed up about his character dying in a movie... and again, I'm messed up because his character died in a movie. A death I was prepared to experience, but it's still hard. 

Just to knock myself back to reality for a second- I do follow him on Twitter, but he hasn't posted in a couple weeks. Sadly, his last post was him saying his Instagram got hacked... seriously, is nothing sacred anymore? The guy does a lot of great charity work and that's interfering with that.

Also, I will add, I got approached twice by spoofed accounts on Facebook via Messenger. One of them, I talked to for a while, but when he started saying how pretty I was or maybe asking why I was single... I started to get suspicious and blocked him. Last I checked, he's happily married with Susan (their 14th anniversary is coming up soon) and they have two children together. I'd have heard something if there was trouble in paradise. Also, she said she'd kill him if he ever stepped out of line. I have a fear of being eternally single, but I'm not that desperate to change that. Especially if it involves someone stealing someone else's good name to boost their own chances... the dude might have been a serial killer for all I know... 

He also tweeted an article about John Lithgow joining the Perry Mason limited series cast... still no release date on that... I'm still pissed that RDJ isn't playing the title role. (I started watching the series and even got a boxset so I'd know what to expect... it's a really cool series). When interviewed about it before Sherlock 2, he said he'd play him. And playing Tony Stark made it impossible for him to do that, so he had to step down to just producing.

Yeah, I will miss this character, but being stuck playing him for so long pisses me off because he missed out on a lot of opportunities. Opportunities he wouldn't have gotten without this role. 

Following his biography, from what I remember... Ally McBeal was his latest great gig where he really had everything together... except he didn't and his character was written out of the show. That still kills me... I own the boxset from Season 4, but I never watched that last episode again. That was 2001. 

After rehab, his first role was The Singing Detective where Mel Gibson paid the insurance to cast him. That's why RDJ wanted to pay it forward and get Mel Gibson back into the industry after a few incidents of his own. How much he succeeded... well, the guy is getting work, but nothing as impressive as the days of Lethal Weapon. (He was supposed to be in the 2nd Hangover movie, but was fired because Zack Galifianakis didn't like him... makes me wonder if RDJ still talks to Zack after that incident-- the two of them hit it off while doing "Due Date"). Then he did Gothika where he got to play the straight character for once and that's where he met Susan and fell head over heels. 

Meeting her turned his life around and it's been going well ever since. 

The fact he got cast as Tony Stark put him back into the spotlight in a good way. He probably wouldn't have gotten cast as Sherlock Holmes if that didn't happen, although I think Guy Ritchie had been a fan previous to that anyway. I mean, the guy played Charlie Chaplin for crying out loud AND almost won an Oscar for it. Probably the only good thing about that movie-- it wasn't terrible, but James Woods' scene kinda ruined it for me. He played a lawyer that got Charlie in trouble, saying that a DNA test that proved he didn't father a child was insufficient evidence and he was forced to pay child support the rest of his life. Plus, it focused a little too much on his relationships and less about his artistic process.

The addiction part of his past has been in the rearview mirror for so long, I don't recall it all the time. And that's the way it should be. You can only hold someone accountable for their past mistakes for so long. But when they really turn their lives around, let them live that and leave the rest alone. (If I really had time to think about this, I'm sure I'll find some instance or some person that'll make me a complete hypocrite... everyone is human, but if it involves someone I care about, I always aim to stay positive).

It's also strange that we lost Prince to something drug-related when that really wasn't on anyone's radar. Some people have come out after the fact, saying that there were flickers of things that could feed that narrative and maybe they should have acted sooner. Probably wouldn't have changed anything, though. He was a very private person and didn't want to do anything that would compromise his reputation. I think the only thing that could have changed things is if he had proper hip surgery that rid him of the pain permanently. Instead, due to religious restrictions, he didn't undergo the full process and had to stay medicated to go about whatever normal life was for him.

The same situation applies: I don't let that color my view of him. Is he partially responsible? He's only human. But I refuse to be one of those people who hate on addicts, saying that their deaths are their own fault. And while that may be true, I don't equate "drug addict" with him because that paints a very negative picture. And he's so much more than that and I'll remember him for the other 99% of what he is. (Well, maybe 98%- accounting for things that came out in Mayte's book and how he chose his newfound religious beliefs over their marriage... I spent at least a week mad at him over how all of that played out and I generally don't get mad at him all that much)

But it'll be one of those crazy things... losing at Prince at 57... meanwhile, so many other people with past drug issues are still around. Keith Richards, one of the most infamous drug addicts in the history of music, is over 70. 

And Robert Downey Jr. - with more second chances under his belt than most normal people get... he went to rehab at least three times before getting everything together. 

I'm not super experienced in this area, but to me, he had more of a conscience than most drug addicts do. He sincerely struggled it. He knew he had problems, but it was almost like he couldn't help himself. There's a courtroom scene that makes all of the biographies with a line that goes something like "It's like having a gun in my mouth and I like the taste of the metal"

He used to laugh it off and even think about it from a philosophical point of view. He did an interview with Charlie Rose (sadly someone whose career got ruined by harassment claims- not dismissing that these things happened- but he was a GREAT interviewer) where he talked about The Singing Detective and how he'd been able to stay clean and books he'd been reading that inspired him. Namedropping Campbell and Moyers. Charlie Rose threw in Tuesday's with Morrie (I read that one... interesting read, but I don't remember anything about it now). I wrote down a few quotes from that interview:

"It serves a part of your soul to blow it all up, because if you survive it, you realize there are outside forces you may never understand, that have your back... and they're fairly forgiving"

and he likes this one about optimism vs. pessimism because it came up in a few interviews.

"The optimist believes the future is uncertain, but the pessimist is always right and doesn't care. I think it's my duty to be the optimist, but the pessimist clearly has more information"

Man... this takes me back... 

2011 was a difficult year for me personally and having Robert as a distraction helped me get through it. But the distraction only helped for so long. The fact was I was unemployed and couldn't get hired after losing my last job due to being a poor communicator. 

Actually, today is the 9th anniversary of being fired from that job. I was thinking about another anniversary that had to do with today, but that was an album release from a year ago... I'd been at my current job since 2014, a temp position that became full time in 2016... anyone who's been paying attention could piece together some other things that coincided with those years... something bad happened involving people I care about, but in my own life, something really good happened. 

And for anyone curious, I've gotten a lot better at communicating and asking for help at work. Funny thing (so many funny ironic things in this post) is that one of my responsibilities has been including receptionist coverage. Talking to people makes me nervous, that's always been true, but as terrifying as it is, being thrown into that role made me better at it. The responsibility is heavy, so I don't like doing it all the time, but I'll step up to the plate when needed to do so. I said at one time or another, but as scary as it is to do, it's one of the most rewarding things I've done in my life. 

It's strange to look back on the 2011 version of myself that felt useless and hopeless... I still get down on myself about a lot of things, almost like I'm waiting for everything to come crashing down because it did once in spectacular fashion. Strange that I find salvation or at least relief from the negativity in my head from someone who dealt with more difficulty in their life than I'd ever understand. 

I wrote a lot of fiction at the time to sort through my feelings, but no resolution was ever reached that helped me get back on my feet. 

In 2014, this job (which I applied for years ago, but didn't get) came back to me like a boomerang when I needed it most... and it's given me a lot of great things. Not just health insurance or a steady paycheck, but I really do enjoy what I do. Not all of my coworkers are nearly this optimistic about it, but I pour myself into it to make up for everything else. And I am good at what I do. Being an almost A student in college was great, but nothing compared to make an impact in the real world. Even if it's a small impact. 

Yikes... God forbid I have to write a tribute post for Robert Downey Jr. in the next 10 years because he passed away for real... but when that times comes, I left myself so little material left to work with without repeating myself. I'd said everything about what he'd meant to me.

I guess I could just go into his best movie roles and why... 

I'll for sure tag him on Twitter when I share this post, but I highly doubt he'd read it... but it'd be crazy if he did and actually appreciated it, rather than thinking I was an overzealous fanatic. 

To me, he is so much more than Tony Stark... it's sad not to have that part of him anymore. But it's sadder that I have all these movies that I'm not sure if I'll be able to watch them... maybe not ever again... but it'd be like giving up "Little Red Corvette" because that song was on the radio when I found out the news about Prince... I'd worked through that and enough time has passed where I hear that song and it doesn't make me sad anymore. 

Maybe I will rewatch that first SpiderMan movie again... I'd meant to do it with subtitles so I could understand what is going on during those first 10 minutes... 

but first, I should watch that Watchmojo video about heroic movie deaths... just to see if I'm ready for it... 

I really hope I said everything I meant to in this post. And that my points came across with the best of intentions... instead of me being taken to task over any of the random opinions I spouted... 

I guess this is just something I've wanted to say for a while and this was my chance to get it all out so I can move forward. 

Also, if you made to the end, congratulations. I hope you enjoyed my musings, opposed to demanding for that hour of your life back that you spent reading this novel of a post.